thinking space

I am blogging as much as I can. The dire combination of examinations and exhausted subject matter (I can’t blog about blogging forever!) have left my blog unattended, however I am working up a queue that I can start publishing when I have the time to edit and maintain a blog. It will consist of ‘thought of the day’, a short entry that I hope can spark discussion rather than reduce a debate to axioms. These will contribute to and be symbiotic with my main series of more lengthy blogs, blotes, whatever. I have a number of mini-series planned, including ‘conversations I wish had happened’ and ‘a day in the life’ photoblog. Finally I will be exploring sonnets (and other poetic constructs) and socratic dialogues as means for discussion.

Stay tuned kiddies.

Ps forgot to mention a philosophy series … which I ma very much looking forward to, as much the prospect of being schooled and writing my own thoughts down.

Dear Facebook,

I am leaving you. I do love you, but please forgive me … I must go. It’s not me, it’s you. It’s not all of the 500 million other people that you are seeing, neither is the confusion you’ve caused over ‘is it a bog, a note or a blote?’. It’s just time we both moved on, for the better.

I know that we can still be friends, but I can’t blog on you any more. We can still chat and write on the loose metaphors that you call walls. We can still have all of those photos, those beautiful memories. In fact we can do so many things still, but not blog. I’m sorry if it hurts you to hear that.

Perhaps you don’t even care! ‘Just a two blog stand’ is what I know your friends will say, ‘what’s the worry?’. Well, I know what you did with Luke Rollason, and I know you did it one hundred and two times !!! He’s leaving you too. At least I had the courtesy to write.

Despite your flaws, I did love you. I loved your simplicity, I loved how many people you knew. I actually loved the fact you did it with others, that’s how we met, that’s what inspired me. But you were never an inspiration, you’re dull. You never let me meet anyone new, wonderful people with similar views, and you have so many other priorities, like photography, videos and fitness coaching (Ricky Elvis). I need more focus on what I want.

Yes, there is someone else. No! I swear I haven’t cheated on you, well once a little bit (a small, 120 character post ‘On Tumblr’ … more of a peck on the cheek than a smooch) … but Luke did one too, and it was much longer and more interesting.

So this is goodbye. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry that you’ve hurt me. Yes we can still be friends, and I do want to stay in touch with your friends when I’m with Tumblr. Perhaps they could two time you. Perhaps we could still meet up occasionally, showing you what dirty things me and Tumblr have been doing together. Perhaps your friends could follow me on twitter (@milesguilford) for news on all my posts. Perhaps they could join Tumblr. Despite all the minors Tubmlr knows - all of the efforts to have new age fun with a vintage feel - Tublr cheats on me too, with even more people. I want an open relationship, but I want us all to be friends. If you choose to show this to your friends, please ask them to join Tumblr. I want to get to know them and listen to them in a richer environment where their voice can be heard.

Love always,

Gracefully,

Miles

Some people were quite supportive of my last note/blog (which is it?), hence I have chosen to write a second. I will forewarn you, dear reader, this blog/note will be written with implicit references to the last note, and the disclaimer/conclusion will certainly apply when trying to make myself seem like less of a douchebag. So read it.

In the last post, I addressed what to blog/note about (I’m sick of this already, from now on I shall refer to whtever this is and the last blog/note was as being a Blote, verb to blote). With hindsight, this was irresponsible. The feedback was generally very positive, however I fear people were either being very nice out of pity (which is quite out of character, at least towards me) or I was right for the wrong reasons. Right for the wrong reasons? Paradox I hear ye cry (I’ve never used ye before, probably won’t again). If I guess heads a hundred times in a row when flipping a fair coin, and a hundred times my prediction materialises, I am not a prophet or a seer of the future (for ye that say it could be a biased coin, nota bene the word fair). Although I am correct, my certainty in the coin landing heads up is only as informed (and thus intelligent) as he who guesses tails every time … my guess simply happened to be correct. Just as silly study-nerds who work velly velly velly hard for exams appear to be intelligent, they appear to shown aptitude without (necessarily) being apt.

Back to the subject matter, when blogging about what to blog about (writing that clause just blew my brain) I fear I made a huge mistake. If I wrote a play about not knowing what to write a play about (and in discussing and dismissing humour, philosophy and vanity actually exploring them in a demi-semi-successful way - see last post) then you may applaud me, but the underlying assumption that you have made in calling it intelligent is that I actually know how to craft a play; however my next play could be about writing a play about writing about writing a play … which is somewhat less likely to be a West End hit. If I guessed at how to write a play (even with basics such as format and coherence) and yet the masses conclude that it is good, then my perceptions of what could be good about the play are inherently fallible … in which case the resultant popularity is unlikely to be reproduced in any subsequent play written by yours truly (don’t worry, I’m not going to start writing plays instead of Blotes). Many, in paying their complements, encouraged me to write another blog entry, probably because they wanted to be mildly amused or intrigued once more, however their assumption is that I can emulate what was appealing (I will use the word appealing in reference to humour and wisdom from the last post, as there has been some debate whether it is humour or wisdom that people really look for in a blog) in my next post. I may have been right for the wrong reasons, thinking that the reason the blog was cautiously well received was that it has the word ‘I’ in it 43 times (fact). Indeed that is hyperbole, in that one is unlikely to ever deduce their play was successful because of the number of times a specific word was written, but the more self indulgent bloggers may think that their blog is great because they are the subject matter … but actually people only like it because he is a doofus. Again, right - in that the blog is succesful - for the wrong reasons.

So Mr Google, how do I craft a good Blote? A quick search of ‘how to write a good blog’ throws up three hundred and fifty two million results (not condensed into numbers to add drama) … and I very soon end up on howtoblog.org; despite the site’s aim being to make money from blogging (by having ads on your own domain … that explains why the site is so sodden in advertisements for ‘get rich fast’ … tempting) it claims to offer advice on how to blog generally. The very first entry (‘How to make money with these blogging niche in 2011’, 2nd January 2011…surely it should be niches…a quick check in my Pocket Oxford confirms the plural of niche is indeed niches…*call me Miles the grammatical pedant and find grammatical mis-haps in my blogs*) gives me some indication of what to blog about. Darn I should’ve done this before my last post (mental note to self: ask Mr Google before you ever start anything ever that you ever want to ever do ever ever ever). The body of the text contains 10 potential subjects that one could blog - or in my case blote - about:

1. Woman’s beauty care. Imagine me blogging about what  skin care product you should buy next!? Potenitally not completely stupid for the well informed individual, but certainly not me: I rubbed texturising putty on my face the other morning because I forgot I wasn’t moisturising (yes I moisturise, get over it) … although a fun fact washing your face with banana makes your skin silky smooth.
2. Baby care. Not to self: make baby. Blog about it. Make millions.
3. Dogs.Perhaps I could combine it with babies … either a puppy blog … or a baby-dog synthesis (is there a mythical creature for that? And that would mean a dog and I have to … ewwwww).
4. Healthcare/Fitness. That’s what Ricky Elvis is for (search for Ricky Elvis - Body Transformation Genie in facebook). We should team up.
5. Financial Products. Madoff style? (if you don’t understand it, lask Mr Google and read last post … although it’s not that funny, so you probably shouldn’t bother).
6. Green Technology and Green Technologies. I think this one could be quite lucrative, but why does the author of the blog feel the need to differentiate ‘Green Technology’ from ’Green Technolgies?  If he had simply written one or the other I would have understood perfectly well what he meant. See I’m learning from other people’s blogs. Last week it was Luke Rollason, this week … the entire internet.
7. Auto-care.Here’s a syllogistic argument:To care for a car, one must own a car. Miles does not own a car (or even have a provisional). Therefore Miles does not care for cars (see future blog post, titled  ‘On Oxford interviews’ - or similar, do you actually think I plan these blotey things? - to understand the humour in that, or ask me to moan about Oxford interviews from the perspective of a bigoted failure, Jingles+Mwilmore).
8. DON’T WASTE TIME ON SEX. What an intriguing statement. Taken out of context, it could well be a quote by a Benedictine monk or Susan Boyle … in context I do not have the sexual prowess or audacity to blog about sex, and it tells me not to blog about sex unless I own a dildo shop or shoot porn films. I have no intention of doing either.
9. Home business. After Lunar, my school’s Young Enterprise team, it’s clear I should steer clear of business. I was Human Resources Director (again, look it up), and was abominable at everything apart from flaming other people’s ideas (for the non-internetty people, flaming is a term for pwning. Pwning, for the non-gamers, is a term for dicking on. Dicking on, for the non-homophobic  [homophyllic … is that even a word?] people, is a term for putting down other peoples’ ideas).
10. Latest technology. Those that know me at all well know that I am a technologically minded person. Exempli gratia when Virgin told Nathan Roberts it would take a month to sort the internet out on his phone, Miles Guilford gets there in fifteen minutes (Miles Elvis - Phone Transformation Genie). But facebook  is not exactly the best place to talk about technology (because it usually results in people commenting on posts with the sole word ‘nerd’, and about a hundred people then liking that comment - who am I kidding, I have a small orgasm every time I get 5 likes on a status, a hundred and I would have exploded and hence not be writing this … some of you think that would not have been such a bad thing).

Hmmm. To summarise, howtoblog.org (despite it’s name) is yet to give me any sound advice on what to blog about or how to blog. The rest of how to blog is very financially orientated, and the few shimmers that aren’t entirely financially focused talking about technicalities like SEO, Search Engine Optimisation, translation from nerd speak: optimising your site for common search terms, notoriously pursued by porn sites, exempli gratia if I search Google Images (safe search off) for petite girls’ clothes (something I do on a regular basis), it will throws up a couple of results of ‘petite girl with no clothes on’ or similarly pornographically orientated material. There’s no point in SEOing on facebook as my audience are already here and I’d have to write a hundred blogs using the words petite girls’ clothes a lot in each. Meh gonna try it.

This is the point where I ask myself ‘is this blog entry already too long?’ I have another three hundred and fifty one million nine hundred and ninety thousand nine hundred and ninety nine results ( I think?) to blote about. I haven’t really explored bloting methodology, so thus far I’ve actually failed to meet my main aim of this Blote. So urmm I’m going to quickly write some ad hoc notes to self when bloting (utilising the newly discovered numbered list feature of facebook notes):

1. Never lean on chemistry based metaphors for clarity (in the form of analogy) or humour.
2. Overuse of brackets makes the text a little hard to follow (especially when the brackets are long, but they help act as a disclaimer against potential trolls and people thinking you’re utterly stupid/pretentious).
3. Never use the second person when referring to oneself.
4. I should never use the third person when referring to myself (not really, as discussed in last post, one can be acceptable, but only in the general case).
5. One should never combine the second and third persons when referring to yourself.
6. Try not to refer to experiences, people and conversations that other readers may not know about (Emily Pascoe knows all about that … LOL ;) ROFL :L :P LMAO :’) … sorry had to be there).
7. Use an excessive amount of disclaimers to detract from the shoddy subject matter and  dazzle the recipients with the occasional morsel of overtly eloquent vocabulary.
8. Never blog about anything apart from blogging itself…(not really, next entry will probably be a little more conventional, or less idiosyncratic, depending on perspective).

So here we are, approaching the end of the Blote. Last Blote I established that in order for a post to be purposeful (if a blog/note/Blote can ever be purposeful) it must either be humorous or insightful. Having just proof read the preceding post, I can confidently arrive at the conclusion that this post is neither. I will, therefore, inject some wisdom and wit into what has otherwise been a very mediocre piece by quoting the Dalai Lama’s Twitter (obviously the wise side):

• If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. 
• The important thing is that our day-to-day life should be meaningful, that our attitude should be positive, happy and warm.
• All human endeavor is potentially great and noble - so long as we carry out our work with good motivation. How quaintly Kantian of him.

So insightful … and now an injection of humour courtesy of the internet (irony meant to be they’re not that funny, apart form the last one, I like that):

• Jesus died for our sins… Carling. You know who your mates are.
• Why does everyone think my Dads are gay?
• Cheer up Prince Charles! They only vandalised your car with a bit of white paint. It’s not like they deliberately chased your car into a tunnel during the night and murdered you.

And finally some epic words of wise wit from (drum roll please, was considering a guest appearance from - drum roll continues - Oscar Wilde, but I got his contemporary successor - not a sexuality reference) Matthew Nolan, a genius comedian based in Cheltenham.

• I was coming down the road the other day when an old lady stopped me - and licked it up. Ewww.
• I lost a nail fooling around with a girl once - and the hammer.Gross.
• I’ve had a cold all week - coughing, sneezing and a running nose - that was a bugger to catch.Ewww?
• A girl once asked if i smoked after sex, i said i don’t know i’ve never looked. Gross?

So, I have managed to be both funny and wise and hence appealing in this Blote by simply searching the internet for the last 15 minutes. Hell that was easy. There is no need for me to blog again.

Gracefully,

Miles

PS. I like Petite Girls’ Clothes. I wear Petite Girls’ Clothes. I bought some Petite Girls’ Clothes. I am wearing Petite Girls’ Clothes. Petite Girls’ Clothes Petite Girls’ Clothes. Did you know, small girls’ clothes are actually called Petite Girls’ Clothes. For Christmas I received Petite Girls’ Clothes. My first words were Petite Girls’ Clothes. Petite Girls’ Clothes look funny on very large girls. Topshop.com sells Petite Girls’ Clothes. Petite Girls’ Clothes Petite Girls’ Clothes Petite Girls’ Clothes Petite Girls’ Clothes Petite Girls’ Clothes Petite Girls’ Clothes. Are you bored yet? Petite Girls’ Clothes. Congratulations on getting this far. Petite Girls’ Clothes. I love Petite Girls’ Clothes. Petite Girls’ Clothes. I’ll pay the first person £1 who (Petite Girls’ Clothes) comment with just the word Peninsular. Petite Girls’ Clothes. Petite Girls’ Clothes. Do you know another name for Petite Girls’ Clothes? I don’t. Only Petite Girls’ Clothes.

PPS. WOAH that’s loooooong.

This note is simply a response to Luke Rollason. Remember imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

But what could I talk about? (certainly not grammar hahahaha…*stunned silence*)

I would love to talk about philosophy, but I am probably not well enough informed, let alone profound or original enough to craft an interesting post (Jingles and Mwilmore can advocate that). Anyone that’s ever been a witness to or victim of one of my unadulterated trollings, or even the recipient of one of my more controversial slash wannabe-deep-and-meaningful statuses can see clear as day that facebook and my attempts at philosophy (especially cynicism, my most frequented) mix like Group 1 metals and water. I will try not to be too philosophical in this post (or any subsequent notes/blog posts, not that I anticipate demand for further posts, it is only that - even in this early stage - I am finding this a very effective way of venting my pent up emotion). That poor attempt at satirically using a chemistry based simile leads me on to the next branch of subject matter that, if I were to address it, would result in boos and jeers from the cyber mob that is my friends list … humour.

I’m not a funny guy. To some of you that is obvious, but I have been told by some that funniness is my ‘thing’, like some guys’ things are hotness or sociability or hitting the gym in order to compensate for what they otherwise lack in brains or beauty (or member size, I’m told)…some say my ‘thing’ is funniness. I am not funny. I am sometimes dry, often inappropriate and always very dramatic, but those things are not constituents of wit. In other words, being depressed, having no social inhibitions and having acted since I could talk are not the magic ingredients to a Luke Rollason-esque wit-blog. Of course you can call me weird, crazy, wacko or mad, but not funny (unless using funny in the same context as when one says ‘this soup tastes funny’ or ‘those scots talk funny’, in which case funny is synonymous with peculiar or absurd, and thus for clarity you should stick to calling me peculiar or absurd). I imagine those people who call me funny are only trying to say they’ve never found me academic and they are not in any way attracted to me, so (unless I’m sporty) by a process of elimination I must be funny. Again, to reiterate, I’m not, so perhaps I do not have a thing at all (apart from being a ‘prick’, I can anticipate the response being).

I have seen many people pursue blogs about social commentary, but social commentary is consistently a guise for humour or moral philosophy. Luke Rollason very effectively draws inspiration from his own life, exampli gratia ideas that have left his head whirling with creative vortexes, however talking about oneself is narcissistic unless one is either being humorous or wise … again leading me back to two things that I have already determined I should not address (don’t get me wrong, someone can be arrogant and funny, or wise and arrogant, but in the absence of wit and wisdom, only vanity remains…quote me on that).

A great example of my life being a complete failure as a subject for humour surfaced at the end of the school term just passed; a round in the Year 13 Christmas Quiz centred around me, myself and I. Specifically, the round was multiple choice questions with fun facts about the social life of yours truly. I want to clarify that this round was not my idea, but I, in true Doctor Pepper style, thought ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’ and provided the necessary questions and answers. The reaction from my peers was much akin with a Nobel Gas’ reaction with mmmm urrr yuhhh pretty much anything … utmost indifference (or, failing that, visible and audible disdain - a xenon atom, by chance meeting Platinum Hexafluoride). Since the synthesis of fun facts about me and my peers (98% of them thought I was a douchebag before the incident, a Yougov poll indicates) did not meet their criteria for humour, and certainly provided no grounds to be labelled philosophical, the result was the perception that I was a self-indulgent douchebag, nota bene the appendage of self indulgent to the already rife opinion that I am a douchebag.

To conclude, there’s nothing that I can really talk about with any degree of confidence in this ‘blog’. I have debunked my own short-listed subjects by dabbling in each - humour, social commentary, egocentrism (not neccarily the vain kind, just thinking about things in terms of one self and one’s own experiences) and philosophy - and failing to be remotely interesting in the process, proving that the subject matter of the blog should not be these, whilst inexplicably being these things. Clever eh? *stunned silence*, answer to the rhetorical question is ‘no Miles’.

Finally I want to clear some things up. I will probably be posting again, but no you don’t have to read it. You can post feedback below, but no I don’t have to read it (although I probably will read them, just I will not respond to flaming). I do not think that using the third person (using one as a pronoun, for those of you who haven’t done GCSE English Language) or long words makes me seem intelligent: when thinking as deeply as my very shallow mind allows me to, I slip into a state of lengthy vocabulary. Some would call this eloquence or intelligent English, but I am neither snobbish enough nor enough of an intellectual to call it either of those. Using nota bene instead of the popular NB is much akin to (and hence no more deserving of slander) saying ‘be right back’ in stead of BRB, and using thus (correctly or otherwise) may be unfashionable but I do not think it deserves to be mocked (in the great words of one Mattie Jobson, ‘thus is a mint word’). If you don’t understand a word, look it up. If I’ve used a word in the wrong context, I feel sorry for the word and not you.

Apologies for getting a bit shirty at the end, and being pretty down-beat throughout.

Yours Gracefully,

Miles

PS. I don’t use ‘gracefully’ because I think I’m graceful, Wildian or pretentious, it’s meant to be ironic…duh.

• Miles: This is a stupid feature
• Reader: Yes, yes it is . . . . . . . so why are you using it?
• Miles: Ooops sorry forgot someone some day might actually read this thing.
• Reader: So there was no need to post...?
• Miles: Urm I guess not . . . well I guess it could be like a proof of concept thingy...?
• Reader: (Pause) Wha' ?
• Miles: Like a hello world program or something.
• Reader: (Pause) Wha'?
• Miles: (Pause) Yeah.
• Reader: (Pause) Yeah.
• Wow I could write a play on this things. Bear with me gonna test most things out.

The deep thinking, the drafts, the time wasting, the brackets … they’re coming.

Starting a tumbling revolution … presently I am sat in school, but I’m gonna start lobbying when I have some time.